Thursday, July 10, 2008

Obituary: Hon. Rufus Peckham, Jurist, Bon Vivant, Advocate of the World's Downtrodden

The Hon. Rufus Peckham, bon vivant and crusading jurist whose legal philosophy was so advanced that even he could not fully comprehend it, died unexpectedly last night.

"He was the most frightening individual I’ve ever met in my life. A real nasty son-of-a-bitch. But I mean that in a good way," said Judge Peckham's long-time associate Noah Swayne.

Peckham was born in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, on the day of the great flood in 1936. "My mother's water broke while she was walking down the street,” the Judge once said, “so I've always blamed her for all the deaths and destruction.”

After graduating law school, his fledgling law practice struggled. "It was either get elected judge or steal the money I was holding for my clients in trust,” the Judge told a New York Times reporter in 2006. “I still wonder about what might have been.”

While serving on the Pennsylvania Court of Appeals, he sentenced sixteen men to death, all for breach of contract cases.

Well-known for his tireless, civic-minded efforts, Judge Peckham became a crusader for women's rights. He still holds the record for the most money raised in one day to buy breast implants for impoverished third world women. "Women everywhere should have the right to control their oppressor males by flaunting their enormous, shapely breasts," he proudly explained. "And some of those impoverished women are really hot."

The Judge's celebrated feud with variety show host Ed Sullivan made headlines after Sullivan banned him from his Sunday night show. The feud started when Sullivan claimed that the Judge exposed himself during a televised monologue. The Judge always insisted that Sullivan's eyes deceived him. "I was merely holding [Mexican mouse-puppet] Topo Gigio near my crotch," the Judge explained.

The Judge was allegedly distraught in the days leading up to his death after learning that every news story reported by the news outlet he founded, Carbolic Smoke Ball, turned out to be fake. Father Samuel Blatchford of Saint Rosacea of Blawnox spoke about the Judge's death: "Persons who suffer from dementia simply are not, in the eyes of the Lord, deemed responsible for their actions." Asked to explain what he meant, Father Blatchford merely sighed.

The Judge is survived by his fifth wife, Velveeta Lugosi-Peckham, and three children, who agreed to be mentioned on condition of anonymity.

In accordance with his wishes, and in imitation of his lifelong hero, Benito Mussolini, the Judge’s body will be hung upside down on a meat hook tonight. Tomorrow his head will be paraded around the town square on a stick. A public viewing of the rest of his body will be held at the Pleasant Hills Public Library tomorrow from 2-4 and 7-9. On Monday, a memorial will be erected in his honor. Burial will be private -- no other bodies will be buried with him.

Donations in lieu of flowers can be made to the International Breast Implant Society.

No comments:

Post a Comment