Obituary: Hon. Rufus Peckham, Jurist, Bon Vivant, Advocate of the World's Downtrodden

The Hon. Rufus Peckham, bon vivant and crusading jurist whose legal philosophy was so advanced that even he could not fully comprehend it, died unexpectedly last night.

"He was the most frightening individual I’ve ever met in my life. A real nasty son-of-a-bitch. But I mean that in a good way," said Judge Peckham's long-time associate Noah Swayne.

Peckham was born in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, on the day of the great flood in 1936. "My mother's water broke while she was walking down the street,” the Judge once said, “so I've always blamed her for all the deaths and destruction.”

After graduating law school, his fledgling law practice struggled. "It was either get elected judge or steal the money I was holding for my clients in trust,” the Judge told a New York Times reporter in 2006. “I still wonder about what might have been.”

While serving on the Pennsylvania Court of Appeals, he sentenced sixteen men to death, all for breach of contract cases.

Well-known for his tireless, civic-minded efforts, Judge Peckham became a crusader for women's rights. He still holds the record for the most money raised in one day to buy breast implants for impoverished third world women. "Women everywhere should have the right to control their oppressor males by flaunting their enormous, shapely breasts," he proudly explained. "And some of those impoverished women are really hot."

The Judge's celebrated feud with variety show host Ed Sullivan made headlines after Sullivan banned him from his Sunday night show. The feud started when Sullivan claimed that the Judge exposed himself during a televised monologue. The Judge always insisted that Sullivan's eyes deceived him. "I was merely holding [Mexican mouse-puppet] Topo Gigio near my crotch," the Judge explained.

The Judge was allegedly distraught in the days leading up to his death after learning that every news story reported by the news outlet he founded, Carbolic Smoke Ball, turned out to be fake. Father Samuel Blatchford of Saint Rosacea of Blawnox spoke about the Judge's death: "Persons who suffer from dementia simply are not, in the eyes of the Lord, deemed responsible for their actions." Asked to explain what he meant, Father Blatchford merely sighed.

The Judge is survived by his fifth wife, Velveeta Lugosi-Peckham, and three children, who agreed to be mentioned on condition of anonymity.

In accordance with his wishes, and in imitation of his lifelong hero, Benito Mussolini, the Judge’s body will be hung upside down on a meat hook tonight. Tomorrow his head will be paraded around the town square on a stick. A public viewing of the rest of his body will be held at the Pleasant Hills Public Library tomorrow from 2-4 and 7-9. On Monday, a memorial will be erected in his honor. Burial will be private -- no other bodies will be buried with him.

Donations in lieu of flowers can be made to the International Breast Implant Society.

Major breaking news coming up. Stay tuned.

JESSE JACKSON JR. RENOUNCES THE REV. JESSE JACKSON SR., WHO RENOUNCES HIS OWN RENUNCIATION OF BARACK OBAMA, WHO RENOUNCES THE NEED TO RENOUNCE THEM BOTH

"They're like a couple of old uncles who say things I don't always agree with," the presumptive Democratic nominee explained.

Jesse Jackson: "My Support for Senator Obama's campaign is Wide, Deep and Unequivocal."

"And I'd like to cut his nuts off."

Jesse Jackson Apologizes to Himself for Comments about Sen. Obama's Nuts

Ailing Ted Kennedy Returns to Senate for Key Vote

MAN EXPERIENCES ERECTION LASTING OVER FOUR HOURS, BUT DOESN’T CALL DOCTOR; DIES OF ELEVATED PENIS SYNDROME

PITTSBURGH - Michael Loftus, a prosperous financial planner from the ritzy Glenshaw suburg of Pittsburgh, died yesterday following complications arising from the ingestion of a drug commonly prescribed for treating erectile dysfunction. A female who answered the door at the Loftus residence, who asked that her name not be used, said the victim ingested Cialis in preparation for an intimate encounter. However, he was unable to focus.

“Mike was so enthused about the quality and duration of his erection that he completely forgot why he took Cialis in the first place,” she said. “Mike always kept a stop-watch handy to time his erections. He hit three, three and a half-hours several times. When he hit four, he hit the roof.”

At this point, authorities say Mr. Loftus should have called his physician. However, in direct violation of the Cialis disclaimer, Mr. Loftus began calling television stations, former lovers, both local newspapers, radio call-in shows, and the Guinness Book of World Records to give them the news.

“The Guinness people told him to call back when he hit fourteen hours. Everyone else hung up on him,” said his lady friend. A coroner’s report is pending, but preliminary indications are that Mr. Loftus dies of EPS, or “elevated penis syndrome,” a rare but fatal side-effect associated with pharmaceuticals used to treat erectile dysfunction. A spokesman for the Food and Drug Administration said the agency has logged several complaints from families of EPS victims. Congress has scheduled hearings on the matter when it resumes session this fall.

STOCKS, DOLLAR RALLY AFTER BERNANKE SPEECH

U.S. economy gets boost from rush to invest in Fed Chairman's new, "can't miss" hologram technology

A Unique and Welcome Gift

Tila Tequila On McCain’s Vice Presidential Short List

WASHINGTON -- Republican presidential nominee John McCain, in an effort to broaden support with both Asian and Hispanic voters, has included author and lecturer Tila Tequila on a short list of potential running mates, according to sources inside the campaign.

Miss Tequila, whose legal name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, has previously been mentioned by the McCain camp, though primarily as potential entertainment for a post-election stag party.

“We were kicking around names and the usual ones came up: Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Howard Baker, Strom Thurmond. Then, just after someone mentioned that Strom Thurmond is dead, I had to take a shot. That’s the way the game is played,” said the source, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he didn’t want anyone to know who he is.

“Well, the shots we had to take were Jose Cuervo -- who also got mentioned by one of the search committee, I think just because he wanted a drink. Anyway, someone says ‘Hey, why the hell not Tila Tequila?’”

After a Nexis search indicated that Miss Nguyen is a legal resident of the United States, the idea was broached to the McCain upper echelon and the committee was surprised to receive a rousing reaction from Sen. McCain.

“He was like, all, ‘Hey, she’s on the Internets! We can get some young people this way, too!’” the McCain advisor said.

The inclusion of Miss Tequila appears to bump another major contender from the list, former Republican Senator Nancy Landon Kassebaum, who was criticized by Republican stalwarts and not conservative enough and not hot enough.

Martha Washington's July 4, 1776 diary entry . . .

"Today I am proud of America for the first time in my adult life. . . . . That's not saying much, given that the country is only several hours old."

TANZANIA CRASHES G-8 SUMMIT; FURIOUS WIFE OF JAPANESE HOST OVERHEARD BERATING HUSBAND: 'WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME TANZANIA WAS COMING?'

'. . . THIS IS GOING TO SCREW UP THE PLACE SETTINGS!'

(RUSUTSU, Japan) - A mild disturbance occurred at the G8 summit yesterday when Tanzania showed up at the G8 dinner dance uninvited. Tanzanian President Jakaya Kikwete told security personnel at the front door that “he happened to be in the area, and thought he’d drop in for a quick hello.” He then entered the hall, and, after applying a sticker that read “Hi, I’m Tanzania” to his lapel, took a seat between America and Great Britain.

“Nice to meet you, Tarzan,” said President Bush, before heading through the buffet line. “We put out quite a spread at these things.”

Speaking to reporters at the end of the evening, President Kikwete admitted he was disappointed with the chilly reception he received. “A lot of countries kept dropping little hints to me that I wasn’t welcome,” he said. "Germany asked me point blank: 'Did you know this was specifically advertised as industrial nations only?' I was fumbling for an answer, so I blurted out that a lion ate the mailman who was delivering my invitation, but she didn’t buy it. 'A lion ate your mailman?' she sneered, before walking away. That was not the worst of it. France and Russia kept walking by, and then burst out laughing. I watched them turn around, look back at me, and laugh again.”

President Kikwete remained optimistic that one day he wouldn’t have to sneak in to a G8 summit. “All we need is one factory in my country, and I’ll start the application process.”

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: July 8, 1926

MOHANDAS GANDHI BULLIED AT BEACH, LEADER OF INDIAN INDEPENDENCE MOVEMENT VOWS TO SIGN UP FOR CHARLES ATLAS COURSE

(Calcutta ) Mohandas Gandhi, spindly leader of the Indian independence movement, announced today that he is swearing off “non-violent resistance” after being bullied at the beach in front of his shapely girlfriend.

According to witnesses, the incident started when Lord Basil Schropshire called Mr. Gandhi “skinny” in an obnoxious tone of voice and advised him that his “ribs were showing.” Mr. Gandhi then approached his tormentor and tried to defuse the confrontational atmosphere by preaching the virtues of courage, love, and the inherent dignity of all mankind, but his words fell on deaf ears. “Shut up, you bag of bones,” said Lord Basil, before planting a solid left jab on Gandhi’s chin. Afterward, a furious Mr. Gandhi met with reporters.

"Darn it,” he said. “I’m tired of being a skinny scarecrow. Charles Atlas says he can make me a new man. I’ll gamble a stamp and get his free book.” Mr. Gandhi vowed that it would only be a matter of time before he would become the world's most perfectly developed Mahatma. “What was I thinking with all of that non-violent resistance stuff?” he asked, smacking his palm against his forehead. “It’s going to be a lot easier ending British rule in my country when I can slap the Viceroy around a little.” Mr. Gandhi then excused himself. “I’ve got to find a stamp so I can rush this coupon to Mr. Atlas right away.”

OBAMA WINS POWERBALL JACKPOT, SAYS HE'LL USE THE MONEY FOR HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

"It's not an easy decision," the Illinois Senator said, "because I support a robust system of public financing of elections."

NBC NAMES JAMIE LYNN SPEARS AND CASEY ALDRIDGE CO-MODERATORS OF 'MEET THE PRESS'

NBC PRESS RELEASE - NBC News today named Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, and her long-time paramour Casey Aldridge, 19, co-moderators of Meet the Press, the longest-running television show in worldwide broadcasting history, to replace the late Tim Russert.

Ms. Spears was also named the network's Washington Bureau Chief.

"Ms. Spears and Mr. Aldridge will inject the show with a high-voltage dosage of youthful exuberance while staying true to the show's tradition of providing hard-hitting coverage of the day's most important issues," said Steve Capus, president of NBC News. Capus added that it will mark the first time in network television history that a teenage Caucasian male-female couple will co-host a major Sunday morning news program.

Capus noted that the network anticipates a long and prosperous relationship with the couple, assuming Mr. Aldridge is not charged with statutory rape in connection with Ms. Spears' pregnancy "since that would put him out of commission for a few years."

Mr. Aldridge will host the show alone for the next several weeks while Ms. Spears is on maternity leave. His topics will include video games, cars, super-models and masturbation.

GROUNDS FOR RODRIGUEZ DIVORCE REVEALED

"A-Rod? Yeah, right! I’d say more like C-minus Rod.” – Cindy Rodriguez

STARBUCKS TO SHUTTER 600 STORES, SELL COFFEE ONLINE INSTEAD

"It's kind of a 'bad news-good news' sort of thing." -- Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz

Rafael Nadal's underarm hair 'ruins' Wimbledon championship for local heterosexual man

QUEENS RESIDENT AWAITS VISIT FROM BARACK OBAMA; CLAIMS DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE LEFT BRIEFCASE IN CAB

NEW YORK - Archie Bunker, archetypical blue-collar American, spent most of yesterday at home preparing for a visit from Senator Barack Obama. It is believed Senator Obama’s visit will mark the first time a Democratic Party candidate for President has crossed the threshold of the Bunker residence. Mr. Bunker said Senator Obama was dropping by his house to retrieve a briefcase Obama left in Mr. Bunker’s cab.

Mr. Bunker, who works a steady daylight shift at a loading dock, keeps a second job driving a cab to support the eating habits of his live-in hippie son-in law and daughter. “This is going to be the greatest day ever,” said Mr. Bunker, before excusing himself. “Edith here,"referring to a woman he identified as his dingbat wife, "says I ought to get a picture with him, you know, for posterior’s sake.”

A spokesman for the Obama campaign confirmed the Senator would be making “a brief stop” at 704 Hauser Street in Queens on his way to visit dry cleaning magnate – and longtime friend – George Jefferson. “Ironically,” said the spokesman, “Mr. Jefferson is a former next door neighbor to Mr. Bunker.” However, the spokesman explained, thanks to a combination of sound business practices and ruthless tactics, Mr. Jefferson was able to move on up to a more luxurious residence. Mr. Jefferson currently resides in a deluxe apartment on the East Side .

'By all outward apearances, Heath Ledger was not depressed -- he was smiling ear to ear on the set of his last film'

Commentary by psychiatrist Dr. Noah Swayne: Startling new evidence shows that late actor Heath Ledger, who died last January after overdosing on pills commonly prescribed for depression, anxiety and insomnia, was very happy on the set of his last film, The Dark Night, and thus was not depressed when he died. Specifically, Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained stunning photographs that show Ledger smiling ear to ear, including this one.

Some might question whether Ledger's personal hygiene was all that it should have been -- the photos suggest he hadn't washed his green hair in quite some time and that his lipstick was not applied with care. But from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE, the smile shows he was one happy son-of-a-bitch.

Allow me to illustrate. Do you know who Nat King Cole was? He's dead now. He was a BLACK singer. Mr. King Cole was the first singer I ever got laid to, but that's the subject of another commentary. It turns out nobody knew more about PSYCHIATRY than Mr. Nat King Cole, and especially when he sang these immortal words: "Pretend you're happy when you're blue. It isn't very hard to do. And you'll find happiness without an end. Whenever you pretend." The point of those seemingly POINTLESS WORDS is that even when you're "blue" (from a mental health perspective, that means "depressed"), you will become happy just by pretending you are happy. That, even I admit, seems idiotic, for want of a more scientific term, but I didn't write the song. And what does this have to do with Mr. Ledger?

The lesson from all this, according to Mr. King Cole, is that even if Mr. Ledger was depressed, he would have "chased those blues away" (to paraphrase Caucasian singer Frank Sinatra) when he put that big red grin on his face -- that is, merely by PRETENDING he was happy.

My diagnosis: Mr. Ledger was not depressed when he took the pills. I suspect foul play, most likely perpetrated by a jilted MALE lover who thought Mr. Ledger was really ranch hand Ennis Del Mar, the character Mr. Ledger played in a movie. ("Ennis" is a name that takes its Latin root from the word "penis," so I suspect Ennis was gay.) This is all from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE. Don't thank me for this revelation, thank Mr. Nat King Cole, who is dead.

'Hmm, Chinese or Japanese . . . Chinese or Japanese?'

HOLIDAY WEEKEND SEES RECORD SURFING FATALITIES

186 of the deaths occur at Malibu's First Annual "Mr. Zog's Sex Wax 4th of July All-American Normandy Invasion Re-Enactment Surf Spectacular"

U.S. OBSERVES 4TH OF JULY HOLIDAY; AMERICANS CELEBRATE THEIR FREEDOM AND DIGNITY

Former Sen. Jesse Helms is dead at 86.